STUCK IN BETWEEN

Since June I have been in counseling to heal from the effects of being married to an Intimacy Anorexic. We have been married for 13 years to this person. I didn't know what is was until I caught a clip off a show on the Television. When I found out it had a name and others were going through the same things I called the counseling center to get help. What they told me was tht I needed the counseling. That didn't sound right but they explained to me that all the things that my spouse was doing to me had it's effects too and those I had reactions too. Those are what I had to get counseling for. Made sense to me so here I am in counseling. I started writing hubs about what that is and what I was going through. This is just another hub in my recovery process. I don't think that it should be the same as the other "Stepford Wife" hubs because I am passed that. It is now passed the stage of shock, denial and anger. I am now in acceptance and healing from all the hurts shoved at me for all these years.

Heart 2 Heart Counseling uses a revised 12 Step program similar to the Alcoholics Anonymous Programs do. I also have another exercise book that I do work in. I am fine doing the workbook but I am STUCK in between in my healing process. I only did the Step 1 in the 12 Step Program. Some of the other women in our group have gotten to Step 4. Each time one finishes a step they share it with the group. Every time someone does that I relive my past as they share their past.

Wednesday is group counseling for me and it is by Telephone. This is a great thing to be able to do these things over the phone in a secure way. Wednesday's usually is set aside for just me and I kind of introvert the rest of the day. It is in the afternoon when I call in. After the group counseling when everyone goes back to their lives, I go to bed and take a nap. Call me sensitive as others have, but this really does affect me in many ways.

Today was a rough day for me. One of the woman had done Step 4 and she shared the things in the exercise with us. Some of the things she went through I could relate too. Some of those subjects we aren't allowed to tell here. They have alot to do with relationships of the uneasy or unwanted kind.

Anyway, I went to take a nap and all I did was cry. I hear others going ahead and doing their exercises and yet I am STUCK In Between. I cannot go back, but yet I cannot go forward. I put my past behind me once or maybe twice and I don't want to dredge it up again.

I can't talk to anyone around me about these things because they do not understand them. I feel STUCK. I know that I will have to move forward and face all the things in my past again but I just can't find the courage right now..

I have come a long way up to this point. I got my creativity back and restarted an sewing business I once had in another state. I am starting to bring in some extra money from writing at Hub Pages that is paying for my fabric and materials need to make my Hair Bow Barrettes and I love that.

It's just I want to move on in the worst way but to do so I must go back first from the beginning ...... and I do mean from the earliest memories of my childhood. OUCH!! Help me find the strength to do this.