Update on Being a Stepford Wife 9/26/2011

Since I have written my first article about being or felt like being A Stepford Wife I have learned and have grown a little bit more. I am finding my own independence. It is through the help and the support group that I am in and a part of that has helped me tremendously in getting my head above the submissive wife cesspool that I was in. Boy is there a different view up here about that and a bit of freedom too and that feels good. I now have the audacity to set goals for myself. The first goal is to get my own car. That will open doors to my independence, which I had lost for many years of tyranny and oppression--or so I think. It could change at any minute as I grow and get unstuck in this relationship in this so called marriage.

Oh he is trying but not hard enough. He is just trying as hard as to have me agree with him. He is more communicative and that is a release off of me. Most times I would be talking to a wall, even if I had asked a question. It was as it there were no other person in the room. No eggageration on my part here.

Last night he called his father like he always does on Sunday's. He doesn't ever say a word about me or what I am doing or not doing or feeling. He doesn't talk about my cats or the dog. I never really said anything to him about this. He also does the same with his siblings. It is as if I don't exist at all. Well I confronted him on this. Yep he got mad, walked out the door and said that I don't know what he tells his father. All these circles he goes through and the hoops and the lies that he tells me just makes me feel like I am going crazy! He calls his father and his family while I am in the room or a room that I can hear the conversation. It does NOT feel good to know that I do not exist.

It makes me confused when he actually is helping do things with me on the same project then does this to me. It confuses me when we do hard work like we do on most weekends and he takes me to dinner because I am too exhausted to make dinner. Then he acts as if I don't exist to his family.

It does make sense now that his sister thinks that I don't do anything but play games on the internet and I don't talk to people all day. My husband tells them nothing about me or what I do. To them it must seem like I don't exist.

It all avoidance of being Intimate. He doesn't let me in so he never gets hurt. It's been like this for 13 years!

Growing through sharing in a therapy group for those of us who are dealing with a Intimacy Anorexic has been a wonderful feeling. Oh yeah there is stuff we have to deal with about ourselves and how to cope and little things we can do to help ourselves. The friends that one makes is something so lifting and refreshing. Just knowing that you aren't alone is the best part. They listen and they give feedback. It is just wonderful.

Through all this I have gained some confidence that I had lost throughout the years. Something happened though that really brought me to my decision and like the lady that I was talking to me that what my husband did was the "BRICK" not straw, that broke the camels back. Yes indeed.

He did something behind my back and was never going to tell me about it. I had only known when this lady called me on the phone to verify some information from my husband. She told me that he signed up to teach a religious education class. That isn't bad and it would have been a good idea if he had told me about it. He signed up the weekend before right after I commented to him that we are getting better in our relationship. BOOOOOOM! There went that feeling. She asked me if he told me about this and of course I said no because I didn't know about it.

The weekend before he had told me that he had to make up some hours from work. That was fine but he also told me afterwards when he got home that it broke up our day and that we couldn't get all the things done that we needed to get done. Remember HE said that, I did not. He did try to use that on me and turn it all around, but I caught him and with getting stronger through counseling, I didn't let him get off that easy. Ha! When I went to go to bed he asked who said that we couldn't get things done when the day was broken like that. I said You Did and he couldn't say anything after that.

Now when my husband called me for a check in call from work I mentioned that this lady called and asked if he was still interested in doing the program. I also asked him why he hadn't talked this over with me first. He said that it wasn't going to take much time and he thought that it was fine.............but this was after he just got done telling me that it broke up our time to do things on Saturday. He couldn't understand why I was so upset and I just kept repeating that He did it behind my back. He didn't get it.

Living with a person like this will drive you crazy. He will drive you crazy. I feel like I am in a box and allowed to come out only when he chooses me to come out and then I don't exist to anyone else. That was the "BRICK" that broke the came's back and so I am trying to get some independence for myself. It is very difficult though as he does sabotage me. Intimacy Anorexia is an addiction. It's an addiction because those that have this are constantly thinking of way to push the other away. It's an addiction because they don't know what they are doing....but they do things on purpose. Sounds confusing? It is. There are many schemes that they use to do this.

One thing they do teach you in counseling is to get back your independence and you rself. We have been pushed down and away for many years until it dawns on us what is really happening. When I found out that he does this on purpose oh I was so angry. I kept looking at him as he slept wondering who the heck did I marry and who was he. He is a stranger to me. Well when he was that brick that broke my came's back I broke loose of his reins. Here is what I am doing.

I used to have a custom sewing business many years ago in another state. We moved and I lost the space that I needed and just let it go. So I have decided to restart that business in this state. I was doing well in the state before and was starting to bring in a profit before we moved and lost it all. I have no doubts that I will bring in funds from this. The lady that I talked to that is the Head of the Religious Education programs at my husband's parish is going to help me once I get my business license, business cards and my first project done. She is going to give all my business cards to all the mother's that put their children in the Religious Education Classes. I have my foot in that door. My first project is a First Communion Dress. I am also going to be making hair bows and small purse/bags. I had lots of room in the apartment that we lived in when I had the business before that I don't have now. I made gowns and such, but don't have that kind of space here. So I can sew little girl's dresses and clothes and small things like that.

I will keep the same name as I had before because it fits me and what I do and it is also a play on words. The name is, "Seams Like Camelot."

After I get that started I plan on making a webpage for it and move the sewing articles that I have here on that as well. Don't worry that won't be for maybe 6 months.I am still waiting for my business license to come and still trying to find the right design for my business cards. I have not found anything that pops yet. Still got a little bit of time for that.

I am re-gaining my confidence (and that was also something that I lost in this marriage) that this will work.

My first goal is to get my very own car, again. It doesn't have to be fancy or new, just something I can drive to the fabric store and back when I need to and not on his schedule. Oh I can get the car, he says. Yeah I can get up at 4 am take him to work, go get him from that work, do his errands and take him to his second job. After all that I need to pick him back up at 11 pm from that job. Twice I did that and twice I didn't really get the car because I couldn't get anything done. So I want my own car and my independence.